An American
tourist in London found himself
needing to go to the
bathroom something terrible.
After a long search he just
couldn't
find any public bathroom to
relieve himself. So he went down
one
of the side streets to take care
of business. Just as he was
unzipping, a London police
officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what
are you doing?" the officer
asked.
"I'm sorry," the
American replied, but I really
gotta go."
"You can't do that
here," the officer told him.
"Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a
beautiful garden with lots of
grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured
hedges.
"Here," said the
policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged,
turned, unzipped, and started
urinating on the flowers.
"Ahhh," he said in
relief. Then turning
toward the officer, he said,
"This is very nice of you.
Is this
British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the
policeman. "It's the French
Embassy."
**********************************************************************
Two blonde guys...
There were two blonde guys
working for the city council. One
would dig a hole, the other would
follow behind him and fill the
hole in.
They worked furiously all day
without rest, one guy digging a
hole, the other guy filling it in
again. An onlooker was amazed at
their hard work, but couldn't
understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger,
"I appreciate the effort you
are putting into your work, but
what's the story? You dig a hole
and your partner follows behind
and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow
and sighed, "Well, normally
we are a
three-man team, but the guy who
plants the trees is sick today.
***************************************
It is hard
to find a joke without a dirty
word or two in it. Here is
one with none:
Two tall trees, a birch and a
beech, are growing in the woods.
A small
tree begins to grow between them,
and the beech says to
the birch, "Is that a son of
a beech or a son of a
birch?" The birch
says he cannot tell. Just then a
woodpecker lands on the
sapling. The birch says,
Woodpecker, you are a tree
expert. Can you
tell if that is a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of
the small tree. He replies,
"It is
neither a son of a beech nor a
son of a birch. It is, however,
the
best piece of ash I have ever put
my pecker in."
***************************
One
night Jerry brought home a dozen
red roses to his wife. "How
lovely, Dear," she said.
"What's the occasion?"
"I want to make love to
you," he said simply.
"Not tonight, Dear. I have a
headache," answered his
wife. The next night Jerry came
home with a big box of chocolates
and explained that he wanted to
make love with her.
"I'm awfully tired,
Honey," said his wife.
"Not tonight."
Every night for a week Jerry
brought home something, but each
time his wife's answer was no.
Finally he came home with six
black kittens with little red
bows around their necks and
handed them to his wife.
"How adorable, Jerry!"
she exclaimed. "But what are
they for?"
The husband replied, "These
are six little pallbearers for
your dead pussy."
**********************************
Those of us
old enough to remember the Old
"Hollywood Squares"
game
(before Whoopi) will appreciate
these. They're from the days when
game
show responses were spontaneous
and not scripted like they are
now. These
are from the show in the70's.
Q: If you're going to make a
parachute jump, you should be at
least how
high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of
steady drinking should do it..
Q: True or false ..... a pea can
last as long as 5,000 years..
A: George Gobel: Boy, it sure
seems that way sometimes..
Q: You've been having trouble
going to sleep. Are you probably
a man or a
woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been
keeping me awake..
Q: According to Cosmo, if you
meet a stranger at a party and
you
think he's really attractive,is
it okay to come out directly and
ask him
if he's married?
A: Rose Marie: No,wait until
morning..
Q: Which of your five senses
tends to diminish as you get
older?
: Charley Weaver: My sense of
decency..
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more
than three words to say - I love
you?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say
it with a pineapple and a
twenty..
Q: As you grow older, do you tend
to gesture more or less with your
hands while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one
more growing-older question and
I'll give you a gesture you'll
never forget!!
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels
wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon
wrinkles too easily..
Q: Charley, you've just decided
to grow strawberries. Are you
going to get any during your
first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not,
Peter. I'm too busy growing
strawberries!!
Q: In bowling,what's a perfect
score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin
boy..
Q: It is considered in bad taste
to discuss two subjects at nudist
camps. One is politics. What is
the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures..
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire
Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights
out..
Q: When you pat a dog on its
head, he will usually wag his
tail...What will a goose do??
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark..
Q: If you were pregnant for two
years, what would you give birth
to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it
would never be afraid of the
dark..
Q: According to Ann Landers, is
their anything wrong with getting
into the habit of kissing a lot
of people??
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out
of the army!!
Q: It is the most abused and
neglected part of your body. What
is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused
but it certainly isn't
neglected!!
Q:
Charley, what do you call a pig
that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee..
Q: Back in the old days, when
Great Grandpa put horseradish on
his head, what was he trying to
do??
A: George Gobel: Get it in his
mouth..
Q: Who stays pregnant for a
longer period of time, your wife
or your elephant??
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about
my elephant?
Q: When a couple have a baby, who
is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him
the car. The rest is up to him..
Q: Jackie Gleason recently
revealed that he firmly believes
in them
and has actually seen them on at
least two occasions. What are
they??
A: Charley Weaver: His feet..
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their
little heads under water long
enough..
Q: Imagine you are a child in
your mother's womb, can you
detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet
practice..
Hope these help
brighten your day---Quien Sabe
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