Subject: Settled out of court
  A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas, shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly  farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he  was  doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm  going into retrieve it."

  The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S.  and, if you don't let me get that  duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."  The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas.

We settle small disagreements like this  with the Texas Three Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted  the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You  can have the duck."

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Those Christian Kids Say The Darnest Things!!!

     After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny sobbed   all the way  home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three  times what was wrong.  Finally, the boy  replied, "That preacher said he  wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay  with you  guys."   ..........................................

   Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw  pictures of their favorite bible   stories. She was  puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on  an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The  flight to Egypt," said Kyle."I see ... And that must  be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said.    "But who's the fourth person? "Oh, that's Pontius -- the Pilot!"

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  I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord'sPrayer.   For several evenings  at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.  Finally, she decided to go solo.  I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us  not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some  E-mail.   Amen! ! ."

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   A Sunday  school teacher asked her little children, as they were on  the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people  are sleeping."

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  Six-year old Angie and her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in  church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his  big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed  to talk out loud in church." "Why? Who's going to stop me?"  Joel asked.  Angie pointed to the  back of the  church and said,  "See those two men standing by the  door?   They're hushers."

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   A  father was at the beach with his children when the four-year  old son  ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led  him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. "Daddy, what happened to  him?" the son asked. "He died and went to  Heaven," the dad replied. The boy thought a  moment  and then said, "Did God throw him back  down?"

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   A t Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including  human beings.   Little Johnny, a child  in the kindergarten class,   seemed   especially intent when they told him  how Eve was created out of one of    Adam's ribs.  Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, and  said.  "Johnny what is the matter?"  Little   Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side.  I  think I'm  going to  have a wife!"

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I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the
clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she
explained that it was necessary to compare the signature I had
just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front
of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had
just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
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I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

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At last, A MALE Dumb blonde joke

The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots.  So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure.  As he is locking him up he asks,  

"Why in the world are you dressed like this?" Cowboy says "Well, it's like this Sheriff:  I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her and I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt, so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants, so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts, so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, Now go to town cowboy .... So here I am." you see, we provide balance

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" New Boots" ______________________________________________________________

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!"

To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat."