Doctors, Please Take Time To Complete

This Patient's Bill Of Goods

BY JIM SHEA
The Hartford Courant
May 19, 2001

Physicians Medical Questionnaire:

(To be filled out by patient's physician prior to treatment.)

Personal

First Name (other than "Doctor").

Address (list all homes).

Phone (home, business, beeper, car, golf cart).

Handicap.

Mercedes or BMW?

Besides medical-ese, do you speak any other languages?

Education

Where did you go to medical school?

Is this medical school in the Caribbean?

List the medical schools that rejected you. (Use the back if
you need more space.)

What was your class rank?

Out of how many?

List all subjects in which you didn't get an A.

How often did you cut classes to go to the beach?

What was your worst subject?

Is this an area in which you will be treating me?

Professional

(If you are not a surgeon, skip to next section.)

Aside from the money, why did you choose surgery?

Who carves the Thanksgiving turkey in your house?

Speaking of fowl, if a duck quacks, do you ever say "what"?

How many times during the day do you use the word
"oops"?

Do morticians send you birthday cards?

Have you ever had any of the following nicknames: Shaky,
Spaceman, Spaz or Code Red?

Insurance

Name of primary malpractice-insurance carrier.

Are you in the risk pool?

Do people in the claims department recognize your voice?

Are you uncomfortable around people named Sue?

Does your coverage include liability and incision?

Appointments

How many patients do you ordinarily schedule for the same
time?

In general, do you see the cramming of sick people into a
small space for long periods of time as being a good way to
maintain inventory?

How long is too long for a patient to be kept waiting?

In the entire time you have been practicing medicine, have
you ever run ahead of schedule?

Have you ever played 18 between patients?

How about 9?

When was the last time you changed your magazines?

(When you are done, please return this form to the
receptionist, and have a seat. The patient will be with you as
soon as possible.)

Jim Shea can be reached at shea@courant.com.

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I know we all want to stay healthy and get ready for summer, so here are a few things we all need to think about before starting that exercise program:

"To Exercise Or Not To Exercise" ________________________________________________________________

1. It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

2. My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the hell she is.

3. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

4. I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

5. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

6. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

7. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

8. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

10. If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

11. And last, but not least, I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

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"EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT HEALTH CARE !" ______________________________________________________________

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories-  those who are no longer accepting new patients and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan.  But don't worry - the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions.  Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap.  My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say; but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

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Only her hairdresser knows for sure:

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and tells him that her body

hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes on her elbow and screams in agony.

She then pushes on her knee and screams, pushes on her ankle and screams....

and so it goes. No matter where she touches her agony is apparent.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?

You're really a blonde."

She sheepishly admits that indeed she is a blonde.

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

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